Grief

Today I got bored and typed random things into the search bar and for some reason I chose to type my brothers name in and I got so many results about his death and it made me really upset and I really wanted to go visit his grave today after school but I guess I'll do that Wednesday after school I cant due to practice tomorrow, it's been a hard time on me and everyone in Cleves life. Everytime I think about that damn day we fgot that phone call and I can feel the lump in my chest and I get the feeling I can't breathe and somethings just squeezing my heart and I just become numb...out of all the bad people who do evil things they stay on this earth and the good people are the ones who die.

its been awhile

well I'm sorry that i haven't been on here Ive just been busy with stuff so i will most likely not be on here that much

Wow i forgot about this

ive never felt this way before

but it really does feel like hes trying to keep me away from Jakob. my friend and Jakob were gonna go swimming today, it rained so they decided to do it tomorrow..whats tomorrow, me and Jakob were gonna hang out and do what ever popped in our heads well not anymore hes gonna go swimming and i will be at home DOING NOTHING!!! i don't get it there's a 40% chance of rain tomorrow not Thursday there's only a slight chance of rain Thursday tomorrow and chance of rain in the morning and the afternoon, if it does rain tomorrow and they decide to go Thursday well then i am going to be a very VERY mad person!!!

Its been awhile

I haven't posted on here in a while and nothing is new with me but i painted my finger nails...PINK!!

ok so I have it!

OK!! I have a car!!! BUT it needs: engine, driver side panel, driver side mirror, auto cruise switch fixed and a new stereo and tires!! And after a couple years the plants have gotten to it. That's all it needs AND THE GOOD NEWS it already belongs to us, it's the car that Matt blew the engine up so yea it will do for now I just hope that I CAN have it, I already have the key so yay!!

okey dokey

So I know I'm not gonna get a bug anytime soon but I just want a car to drive to point A to point B and looks decent and won't break down every other week. All I want is a car! Last night I was thinking about Cleve and I couldn't help but cry because I was watching a TV show he loved and of course I started to think about how I saw his face in the clouds a couple weeks ago and then it really did hit me..he's happy up there he's not hurting anymore he's watching over us all, everyone he loved was being watched by him at that moment. I just wish he was watching us from like across the room like he would normally do and flick boogers at us or trick us by saying "do you smell something burning?" JUST so we could smell his nasty man fart.... I miss you Cleve I wish you were here, a lot of us need you...and sorry for eating your Easter candy..I can't help myself..

well then

My summer is really boring last night was the first time I actually went out and did something oh and yesterday was my first day back to work SO I got money

Summer is ok so far

Yea not bad yet I'm still waiting on randomly getting like 10,000 dollars but hey that's just a fantasy that won't come true. I want a beetle so freakin badly!!

erg!

Today was pre-drum camp and OH MY GOD was it hard, Mr. Major made us do marching and we had to do 32 crab steps then 16 push-ups...and I was the one who couldn't do it because I was dying of thirst and I was the person who had to "go get some water". But we have it again tomorrow and no marching.. I hope but I will be prepared oh and I almost fell in a hole, well I did BUT I didn't fall just walked into it and I almost twisted my ankle so WOO!

Ok I've put alot of thought into this

and I really do want a Volkswagen Beetle, wanna know why? Because of my 2 brothers that's why. I know for sure they would never want to drive it since it's a girl car, Ive looked it up on Craig's list and found a bunch of really cute ones and apparently their good on gas so WOO! I don't really know where to get one, ever since I saw that one on my way to school I cant stop thinking about them it's weird. I saw a red one for sale but....$7,700!!! the only ones I could find that were like 1 to 2 thousand were the old ones I want a new-er one. I wonder if there's anyway I could do a monthly payment, I doubt it since I'm gonna be babysitting and I'm in the band so yea and pretty much all the money I'm gonna make is gonna go towards the band so I'm gonna try not to spend all that much money the summer and I hope I can still work with Jessica, my cousin, she does hair wraps and makes a lot of money doing that so yea to sum this blog up I WANT A BEETLE FOR CHEAP!!! Ha like that will ever happen..

SUMMER TIME!!!....is almost here

ONLY 2 MORE DAYS OF SCHOOL LEFT well 1 and a half after 2ND block exams I'm checking out after them. So I've been wanting to go see Cleve but the lack of a car is what's stopping me. But i saw a car I want...IT'S A BEETLE! The bad thing NO MONEY! I cried yesterday in class because it was a month ago we found out about Cleve and I tried to cry all freaking day and then when I wrote his name...that's when the tears started to come and the boy next to me went to the bathroom and got me tissues. I was surprised by that. I really do miss him, he was my big brother and the coolest person on earth and now he's gone... On a brighter note if I do get a car then I will be able to drive back and forth to my job (babysitter) but I should stop right there because that will never happen, Chris still doesn't have a car and we have no money to spend on a car and if I do get one it's most likely going to be crappy but a car is a car and i would be happy with what I get, which will be nothing.. HA HA!

welllllp

Nothing new in my life but my boyfriend got sick and now he thinks I'm going to get sick so yay? I tried to see how many sit-ups I could do since I haven't done them in a while..I COULD ONLY DO 20 and my stomach muscles are killing me, I've learned that I need to stretch before I do them again.

First day of band practice

It sucked!! I messed up on the steps and if you mess up you have to do 5 push-ups well guess who messed up...ME but no one saw it but my loving boyfriend Jakob and called me out on it. It was dead quite and all I could hear was "April!" he still made me do push-ups wehn we got to my house but I still have to do it again tomorrow!!!!

I forgot to say that today in chik fila, I started crying because I sent a message and saw Cleves name....I don't get it, I see his face everytime I open my phone and I don't cry. I need strength God please help me.

Grr...

I just tried to sign up to this web site that will increase traffic flow to your blog, WELL I tried that..like 10 times and on the last box you have to prove your human and not a robot. They kept saying there was an error so you know what..BOO TO YOUR SITE GLITTER!!! I will do "just fine" without your site, but It would be really cool if I could get more followers, I only have 2 so yea I'm gonna go crazy and try to find sites that will help me increase that so yea.

Well

School is almost out and I couldn't be happier well not really I mean yes I'm ready for school to end but I'm going to miss all my friends and the seniors last day is tomorrow and my friend is suppose to spray our science teacher with silly string. On the plus side I bought a little kiddie pool...IT'S A WHALE!!! I spent like 30 minutes blowing it up for it only to be up for a day till my dad make me take it down since he has worked so hard to get the grass to grow...IN THE BACKYARD WERE NO ONE GOES BACK THERE! Daddy you make no sense sometimes.

Soo

Being 17 hasn't been fun, the day of my birthday my mom was sorta mad at me... and I haven't done ANYTHING fun yet. Jakob has been blowing me off, he usually takes me home after school, he hasn't since Tuesday, I can understand why he couldn't yesterday but today no I don't, I thought he could today since his practice ended at 4, well during 4Th block he sent me a text saying he can't take me home so I just blew it off for something else but I'm starting to worry about this. I even tried to see if he would get upset if I told him my mom would take me home tomorrow (Friday) all he said was "ok baby".....I don't really know what to do with him or if I should be REALLY worried.

Happy birthday to me happy birthday to me happy birthday to me Im 17!!!

Band picnic..ow

Today the band went to the beach and the only reason I went was to see the white sands before the oil spill comes..and I think it comes tomorrow..OH and since I wasn't paying attention to the overcast I am now bright red..ow and on the plus side I got my first follower on my blog and it's my sister in law and I'm glad, I've always liked Karie, she's crazy like me and MANY other things. Well onto other news my mom went back to work for the first time today, I hope she has a good day, she needs it, she's been stuck in the house. I went to visit Cleve and his big red bow had flown off into the ditch well I went and tied it down on his grave and when I saw him, it was still there so woo on my part I guess.

Bad dream..

Well I had a nightmare last night but this one wasn't about Cleve, in my dream I woke up to this creepy man staring at me at the end of my bed well I woke up screaming and it scared my mom so she kept asking "whats wrong?" and I just kept repeating "turn the light on!!" It was around 4:30 when that happened, I was shaking and on the verge of tears because of that dream...I fell asleep later on in school but no screaming!! WOO.

First day back...

Well today was my first day back at school, it wasn't all that bad my first block class was OK we read a book about Emmet Till...that poor kid, in second block the class took a test so I didn't have to take it so I did two chapters of vocab while listening to my Zune but when third rolled around I was tired so we did the work and i fell asleep and woke up with four minutes before lunch then after lunch I walked with Jakob like we usually do then went back to class checked the work we did and then went to my fourth block class...SPANISH! I'm not good in that class and yet I'm passing with a C...yeah I'm shocked too, I checked my test then colored a page of duckies...XD. All my teachers were really nice and they understood what Im going through and their letting me do my make-up work at my own pace. My life is going to be tough without Cleve, I had to drug myself last night so I wouldnt dream about him, but before I fell asleep I still wouldnt open my eyes. On the plus side I think my mom is reading this....HI!!!

The day after the funeral..

I didn't sleep all that well, I kept dreaming about Cleve and how he was in the same room as I was and I could feel his anger towards me....it made me think.."what did i do?" When I would wake up suddenly I would look around my room then turn over and cuddle with my teddy bear then try to go back to sleep and then do it all over again, I even remember at one point in my sleep I said "I'm sorry." I just can't think straight and since I'm going back to school tomorrow I have to get my sleep. Family is what is keeping me sane and Jakob. I did the most painfullest thing just for Cleve, I stayed in a pair of heels from 11-4, I was walking around funny and sitting down whenever I could. I'm going to miss him. He had a military funeral, with the flag folding which was given to Karie, his wife, and Justin, the marine who was a friend of Cleve, gave Cleve's cover (his hat) to my mom and I didn't know it was the one he was holding in his coffin so when I held it I felt different in some weird way. After the funeral was over and everyone left I drove by it and I saw that they put his flowers on his grave, it looks so pretty and they had a bugle playing while they were folding the flag. Before they closed his coffin forever I walked over looked at him and said "I love you Cleve." He use to call me baby girl when we talked on the phone he'd said "alright well I gotta go, I love you baby girl." I will forever be baby girl.

Rest In Peace Cleve.

Im sitting on my couch drinking coffee. Today is gonna be a long one: my brothers funeral is at 11 well 2 then to the cemetery to bury him then i dont know what im going to do till the party in his honor. Today was really hard, seeing cleve in a coffin really bothered me. He was my hero, and your not suppose to see your older brother in a coffin who is only 9 years older than you and your still a teenager.

Im sitting on my couch with my baby, life is getting better for me.

Rain

Well me and my mom are about to go to the florist to get flowers for Cleve, then we have to go shopping to get clothes for the funeral and funky shoes for Cleve, he liked doing that ha ha, he would be in the nicest looking outfit and have on funky shoes so a few of us are going to do that., and to top it off its suppose to rain all weekend. It stormed yesterday and it hasn't even started to pour yet but it's looking like it's going to be ANY minute now..

The End of My Night

Well this is the end of my night. I'm really tired so goodnight to all my little ghost. I'm just testing out this text blog thing, it works pretty good but since my phone is lame, its really hard to text something long so whenever i do the text blog thing it will not be long in fact half of this was added on the next day.

My first post!!

Hello there, my name is April K. If you want to know a little about me then here you go...I am 16 I turn 17 on May the fourth, I have 3 older brothers..I just lost my oldest brother on April 20 Th, he was a marine, he was injured on April 1st 2006 he survived a road side bomb and overdose and god knows what else and if you knew how he died you would even say "oh my gosh." His name was Cleve, he was my hero if you were lucky to know him then you would always have fond memories of him, I will miss him more than anything in the world, moving on to my next brother who is MATT!!! Matt is pretty much the trouble maker in the family (we're the only red heads in the family) he has a QUICK temper but deep down inside he's another person you'll be glad you knew. On to Chris my last brother, he's the giant of the family, and the youngest of the boy's. He can throw some punches well pretty much all the boy's can, he's really smart and knows a lot about History..it makes me feel really dumb when I'm near him. Well now my turn, like I said I'm 16. I have a boyfriend and he is the BEST, his name is Jakob, and yes it has a K in it. I've been told I'ma little weird then yet again I'm very weird,I'm a very interesting person and if you stick around you will get to hear me talk about my friends, other family members and of course...HIGH SCHOOL.